Tons More...

Heavenly Occupants

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
as I entered Heaven’s door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
by the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
who made me sputter and gasp –
the thieves, the liars, the sinners,
the alcoholics, the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought
was rotting away in hell,
was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, “What’s the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How’d all these sinners get up here?
God must’ve made a mistake.

And why’s everyone so quiet,
so somber? Give me a clue.”
“Hush, child,” said He. “They’re all in shock.
No one thought they’d see you.”

Uh? Huh!

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once – maybe twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

All I ask is a chance to prove money can’t make me happy.

What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists... they don’t talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

My weight is perfect for my height... which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

The high cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help “groups”?

The speed of time is one second per second.

Is Marx’s tomb a communist plot?

It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Nutrition

By Stephen Wright

Can’t eat beef, ... mad cow

Can’t eat chicken, ... bird flu

Can’t eat eggs, ... salmonella

Can’t eat pork ... fears that bird flu will infect piggies

Can’t eat fish ... heavy metals in the waters have poisoned their meat

Can’t eat fruits and veggies ... insecticides and herbicides

Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!!

Chocolate is a Vegetable

**Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.

**Bean = vegetable.

**Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar BEETS.

**Both of them are plants, in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

**To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

**Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

**Remember...

“STRESSED” spelled backward is “DESSERTS”

Too Personal

I guess you know why I wear suspenders. Putting a belt on me is like putting a rubber band on an egg.

Did I read that sign right?

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING, BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice! in a farmer’s field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

Airline announcements I have heard:

“Our pilot today is Captain Pontius....”

“We have two doors for emergency exit, but if you don’t like doors, we also have two windows.”

“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”

Humorility

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words.

Toddler Property Laws

If I like it, it’s mine.
If it’s in my hand, it’s mine.
If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
If I’m doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine.
If it looks like mine, it’s mine.
If I think it’s mine, it’s mine.
If it’s broken, it’s yours.

Safety Tips:

Avoid riding in automobiles because they are responsible for 20% of all fatal accidents.
Do not stay home because 17% of all accidents occur in the home.
Avoid walking on streets or sidewalks because 14% of all accidents occur to pedestrians.
Avoid traveling by air, rail, or water because 16% of all accidents involve these forms of transportation.
Of the remaining 33%, 32% of all deaths occur in hospitals. Above all else, avoid hospitals.

You will be pleased to learn that only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in church, and these are usually related to previous physical disorders. Therefore, logic tells us that the safest place for you to be at any given point in time is at church!

Bible study is safe, too. The percentage of deaths during Bible study is even less.

A bargain’s a bargain

It was the day after Christmas. The pastor of a church was looking over their nativity scene when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. So he walked up to the boy and said, “Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?”

The little boy replied, “I got him from the church.”

“And why did you take him?”

The boy said, “Well, about a week before Christmas, I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it.”

Acocdrnig to an elgnsih unviesitry sutdy the oredr of letetrs in a wrod dosen’t mttaer, the olny thnig that’s iopmrantt is that the frsit and lsat ltteer of eevry word is in the crcreot ptoision. The rset can be jmbueld and one is stlil able to raed the txet wiohtut dclftfuiiy.

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.

So he called one of his angels and sent the angel to earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.”

God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.” So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time, too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, “Yes, it’s true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good.”

God was not pleased.

So he decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that e-mail said?

I didn’t get one either....

A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?”

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, “No, how are we alike?”

“You’re both old,” he replied.

I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!”

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah’s Ark:

One: Don’t miss the boat.

Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

Three: Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.

Four: Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

Five: Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

Six: Build your future on high ground.

Seven: For safety sake, travel in pairs.

Eight: Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

Nine: When you’re stressed, float a while.

Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there’s always a rainbow waiting.

Dakota Indians say

that, “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.” However, in modern business, education and government, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Reclassifying the dead horse as “living impaired.”

8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.

10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance.

11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.

12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there was not a God. He said, “God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you 15 minutes!”

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, “Here I am God, I’m still waiting.” He got down to the last couple of minutes and a BIG 240-pound football player happened to walk by the door and heard what the professor said. The football player walked in the classroom and in the last minute, he walked up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform. The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, “Where did you come from, and why did you do that?” The football player replied, “God was busy; He sent me!”

Enjoy the following quotes from Will Rogers:

1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman…neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to touch the electric fence.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.

11. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.

Read This if You Can.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests itself:

I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take out my checkbook that is on the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the den, so I go to my desk where I find the bottle of soda that I had been drinking. I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the soda aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the soda is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the soda, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye – they need to be watered. I set the soda down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels, and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid, there is a warm bottle of soda sitting on the counter, the flowers aren’t watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail....

Medicine

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. “You talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the mutt replies. “So, what’s your story?”

The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, “Ten dollars.” The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?” The owner replies, “He’s just a big liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”

An effusive client brought a litter of golden-retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. She loved them so much, she couldn’t keep from remarking about their cute habits.

As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog’s head when I had finished.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup’s head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, “I never realized they had to be baptized.”

“Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.”
— Winston Churchill

“If Gayle doesn’t know what a color is, he calls it taupe, because he knows, if it is taupe, I will like it.”
— Ada Erwin

Childtalk

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: “Don’t pay for me Daddy, I’m under five.”

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?” “Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.” “Oh,” she paused, “Grandpa, did God make me too?” “Yes, a little while ago.” Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”

What does love mean?

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.”
Rebecca – age 8

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.”
Billy – age 4

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.”
Karl – age 5

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.”
Chrissy – age 6

“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.”
Terri – age 4

“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.”
Danny – age 7

“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.”
Bobby – age 5

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend whom you hate.”
Nikka – age 6

“There are two kinds of love. Our love. God’s love. But God makes both kinds of them.”
Jenny – age 4

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.”
Noelle – age 7

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.”
Tommy – age 6

“My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.”
Clare – Age 5

“Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.”
Elaine – age 5

“Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.”
Chris – age 8

“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.”
Mary Ann – age 4

“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.”
Lauren – age 4

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.”
Jessica – age 8

Some (uh) Logic

1. “Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.” Paul Rodriguez

2. “A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit”

3. “Aim towards the Enemy” Printed on US Rocket Launcher

4. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

5. Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.

6. If the enemy is in range, so are you.

7. Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.

8. Tracers work both ways.

9. Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.

10. If your attack is going too well, you have walked into an ambush.

11. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

12. Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.

13. If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn’t plan your mission properly

Winners of the “worst analogies ever written in a high school essay”

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thick sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

A Chuckle or Two

After the dedication of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That pastor said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!”

A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”

A schoolteacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no discipline problems with any of his students that term.

Last week my four-year-old grandson and I were discussing the advantages of going to Heaven as opposed to going to hell. David attends Sunday School regularly, and was talking with me using appropriate facial and hand expressions to denote good or bad. Anyway, we had talked about many of the reasons for wanting to go to Heaven, i.e. that you’d get to live forever, get to be with Jesus and God, there would be no pain, everything would be happiness, etc. He then stated to me, very emphatically, and very seriously, that “In Heaven, you never throw up, and you get to jump on the couch.” To which I could only reply “amen.”
Marilyn Dickinson

We’ve been notified by Building Security that there have been four suspected terrorists working at our office.

Three of the four have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like he’s Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign: Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.

Ladies’ Day

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”

The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘ For Heaven’s sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!’”

A Sunday School teacher asked her pupils, “Now, children, do you all say your prayers at night?” A little boy answered: “My mummy says my prayers.” “I see,” said the teacher, “and what does your Mummy say?” Replied the little boy: “Thank God he’s in bed!”

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out, in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Mommy, why are some of your hairs white?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl was silent for a while, and then said, “Poor Grandma. You must have been a very, very bad girl.”

The child was a typical four-year-old girl – cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.

"Now do you understand?” he asked. “I think so,” she said, “is that when mommy came to work for us?”

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

"Sixteen,” the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. “How do you know that?”
“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.” — Paul Krager

Keep Smiling

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters into the house, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting “Please come out and give yourself up.”

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas store, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

A man spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No!” the man shouted, “This is her husband!”

Some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22-ft. boat to perform. It wouldn’t get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

A woman got out of her car and shouted angrily, “Why don’t you people watch where you are going? You’re the fourth car I have hit today!”

English is not an easy language.

Here are a few attempts by those for whom it is obviously a second language:

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

Detour sign: Stop: Drive Sideways.

Special today – no ice cream.

Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

English well talking.

Here speeching American.

From a brochure of a car rental firm: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Words that a parent knows the true meanings of:

DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you’re mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

VERBAL: able to whine in words .

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

A Letter from One of My Daughters

In order to understand this letter, you need additional info. Back in the 1970’s, our whole family traveled together for about three months of each year camping on the way to different speaking sessions (camps and retreats). Times were a bit lean, so grocery shopping meant checking prices very closely and often buying the cheapest available.

This meant sometimes (mostly) getting canned meats that, honestly, defied description and only remotely resembled Spam. When placed in front of our children, the gagging and hacking remains as a memory I wish to but cannot forget. Consequently, those meats made their way only to my less discriminating (picky?) plate bearing the definition “Daddy’s meat.”

Now, having reached the same age I was at the time and with three children of her own, my daughter Angela writes better than I as she describes this important passage in her life.

Dear Dad,
I had to write and share with you a new personal victory I have experienced due to the cajoling of my children. I have broken the SPAM barrier!!!

Until now, my children’s lives have been void of any food product even resembling SPAM, simply because of their mother’s utter disgust with it. Despite my strong aversion to the so-called “food” product, they expressed a desire to try it (thanks to media influence). It was time to confront my aversion and take the first step to recovery.

1. Prepare SPAM for someone else’s consumption. My brain said, “This is feasible.” but my stomach envisioned the initial aroma upon opening the can. My brain said, “It’s been 20 years since you have eaten it. It tastes better now.” My stomach recalled the difficulty in deciphering the pork from the ham. My brain said, “You can handle it. You are an adult now!” My stomach reminded me that its expulsive muscles are just as strong now as they were when I was a kid.

I decided to ignore my stomach and make a motherly sacrifice for my children. I made their longed-after SPAM burgers! Things went surprisingly smooth – no gag reflex, no thoughts of dog food. By the time the toasted buns, lettuce and tomatoes were added you could hardly see the SPAM.

It was then that I decided it was time to do it. I had to break the barrier. I couldn’t go on avoiding the SPAM aisle in the grocery store. I couldn’t go on refusing to give SPAM its rightful place in the food group “Meats and Proteins.” I couldn’t discriminate against it simply because it was packaged in a can and other meats weren’t. I took the giant second step of recovery.

2. Eat SPAM disguised as something else (aka SPAM burger). Thanks to my kids’ persistent requests to be free from their mother’s SPAM bondage, I have broken the barrier, hurdled the obstacle, jumped the chasm! I Am Free!!!! Well, not really. Once the thrill of overcoming my aversion wore off, I realized I still didn’t like the stuff.

Love You!
Angela Kenny

Too Much Thinking

1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

2. There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.

5. Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.

6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

8. If you can remain calm, you don’t have all the facts.

9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

10. You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

Child’s Play

A first grader was sitting in class as the teacher was reading the story of the “Three Little Pigs.” She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.

She said “...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said ‘Pardon me, sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?’” Then the teacher asked the class, “And what do you think that man said?” and my friend’s son raised his hand and said “I know! I know!, he said... ‘Wow! A talking pig!’” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. “How did that happen?” gasped her mother. “It wasn’t easy,” admitted the young lady, “but three girls helped me catch him.”

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, “So, Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’” A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher; she’s dead.”

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, “Now, boys, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.”

“Yes, sir,” the boys said.

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause yer feet ain’t empty.”

The Law Suit

Donald Drusky, 63, of East McKeesport, Pennsylvania, named God as a defendant in his 30-year battle against his former employer, the steelmaker now called USX Corp. The company fired him in 1968. “Defendant God is the sovereign ruler of the universe and took no corrective action against the leaders of his Church and his Nation for their extremely serious wrongs, which ruined the life of Donald S. Drusky.”

Drusky wanted God to return his youth and grant him the guitar-playing skills of famous guitarists, along with resurrecting his mother and his pet pigeon. If God failed to appear in court, Drusky argued that the federal rules of civil procedure say he must lose by default.
U.S. District Judge Norman Mordue found the suit against God, former presidents Ronald Reagan and George Bush, the television networks, all 50 states, every single American, the FCC, all federal judges, and the 100th through 105th Congresses to be frivolous.(AP)

I was kind of hoping he’d win – great possibilities.

Random Smiles

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the length.

Nostalgia isn’t what it use to be.

The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.

I’m not the man I used to be and never was.

The Last Laugh

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t you just go on and get lost.”

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this, let’s say we have a man-making contest.” To which the scientist replied, “OK, great!”

But God added, “Now, we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.”

The scientist said, “Sure, no problem” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt.”

Funny Bone

A lady once told me that “Whatever the forbidden fruit was in Eden, it was chocolate covered.”

Important Chocolate Tips

If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

Problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car?
Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite and you’ll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates provides your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?

If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, it may be a sign of a deeper problem.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate is a balanced diet.

Two phrases: Money talks. Chocolate sings.

The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.

Put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

And We Laugh About It!

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage.

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America...do we use the word “politics” to describe the process so well: “Poli” in Latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “bloodsucking creatures.”

Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with instructions in Braille.

Guffawdom

Kids’ Little Instructions on Life

Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. Matthew, Age 12

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. Rocky, Age 9

Don’t flush the john when your dad’s in the shower. Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes. Carrol, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom. Nicholas, Age 11

Don’t ever be too full for dessert. Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don’t answer him. Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. Michael, Age 14

Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat. Joel, Age 12

Never try to baptize a cat. Laura, Age 13

Never spit when on a roller coaster. Scott, Age 11

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it’s moving. Rob, Age 10

Never tell your little brother that you’re not going to do what your mom told you to do. Hank, Age 12

Remember you’re never too old to hold your father’s hand. Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey, Age 7

Stay away from prunes. Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Phillip, Age 13

Remember the two places you are always welcome – church and grandma’s house. Joanne, Age 11

Short Bursts

If you want to hear God laugh, show Him your plans.

Sheep are useless as “attack animals.” They have no upper row of teeth, only gum.

Adam and Eve sewed fig leaves to cover themselves when they sinned. Fig leaves really make you itch! All attempts to cover ourselves are absurd.

Hold That Brain

From a newspaper article.

A lady, while visiting her in-laws, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that the lady’s eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and the lady replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and she refused to remove her hands from her head to open the door. When they finally got in, they found that she had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of the head.

Things I’ve Learned from My Children

(Honest and No Kidding) – an anonymous mother

There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A four-year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20-by-20-foot room.

Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh-oh,” it’s already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak, it explodes.

A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000-square-foot house 4 inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

Duplos will not.

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know. Ditto Tarzan.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in San Diego has at least a five-minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Hot Air

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says, “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in information technology,” says the balloonist.

“I do,” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s of no use at all.”

The man below says, “You must work in management.”

“I do,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were in before we met, but now, it’s my fault.”

Chuckle City

These are alleged to be some actual maintenance complaints submitted by USAF pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews:

Problem: “Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.”
Solution: “Almost replaced left inside main tire.”

Problem: “Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.”
Solution: “Autoland not installed on this aircraft.”

Problem #1: “#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.”
Solution #1: “#2 Propeller seepage normal.”

Problem #2: “#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.”

Problem: “The autopilot doesn’t.”
Signed off: “IT DOES NOW.”

Problem: “Something loose in cockpit.”
Solution: “Something tightened in cockpit.”

Problem: “Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.”
Solution: “Evidence removed.”

Problem: “DME volume unbelievably loud.”
Solution: “Volume set to more believable level.”

Problem: “Dead bugs on windshield.”
Solution: “Live bugs on order.”

Problem: “Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.”
Solution: “Cannot reproduce problem on ground.”

Problem: “IFF inoperative.”
Solution: “IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.”

Problem: “Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.”
Solution: “That’s what they’re there for.”

Problem: “Number three engine missing.”
Solution: “Engine found on right wing after brief search.”

The following is another gem from Darlene and Ted Zimmerman of Shasta, California:

I’ve learned that you can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Age 7

I’ve learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9

I’ve learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 13

I’ve learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 13

I’ve learned that, although it is hard to admit it, I’m secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15

I’ve learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24

I’ve learned that brushing my child’s hair is one of life’s great pleasures. Age 29

I’ve learned that wherever I go, the world’s worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29

I’ve learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don’t know how to show it. Age 41

I’ve learned that you can make someone’s day by simply sending them a little card. Age 44

I’ve learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 46

I’ve learned that the greater a person’s sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others. Age 46

I’ve learned that singing “Amazing Grace” can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49

I’ve learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50

I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52

I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53

I’ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58

I’ve learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage. Age 61

I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64

I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65

I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66

I’ve learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72

I’ve learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And, to tell the truth, I’ve seen several. Age 73

I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. Age 82

I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch, holding hands, a warm hug or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85

I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92

More from Ted and Darlene Zimmerman

A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," lets her.

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, gets mad.

A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad, says, "Now what are you mad about?"

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad, and he says, "Now what are you mad about?" says, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you I'm not going to tell you."

A man is a person who always says he'll do it and then waits to see if we will let him.

What’s in a Name?

Australia was dedicating a new library and asked the local Anglican Bishop to do the honors. About 30 minutes before the ceremony, he went out (in full bishopric regalia) on the mezzanine to look over the situation.

He spotted an old friend of his that he had not seen in decades and he knew that if he didn’t get his attention now, he might never see him again, so he called out his name from his perch, “Neal!”

1000 knees hit the floor.

Chuckleosophy

Ten Words that Don’t Exist but Should

1. AQUADEXTROUS. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will remove all the germs.

4. ELBONICS. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in an airplane.

5. FRUST. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION. Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the “illegal” side.

7. PEPPIER. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.

Temptation

Here is one of my favorite illustrations set to poetry, sort of....

There’s a weakness in my life that I hesitate to tell.
You’ll be disappointed and might consign me on to hell.
I would hesitate some more except my life would go on beggin?
You see, I can’t resist a chocolate covered raisin.
When my wife sends me a shoppin’ to pick her up some milk,
I’ve done that sort of thing before. The job is smooth as silk.

I enter, grab a basket, ah yes, I’ve been here before.
I know the milk and all its ilk. I know the entire store.
But the basket has a flaw and pulls me where I need not go.
Right down the aisle with choc’late. I guess I’ll go with the flow.
I stop at those delicious things and start to stare them down.

“I don’t need you, I’ve got you whipped,” I spout beneath my frown.
“In fact, the reason I am here is just to let you know,
I don’ need you, you’re conquered now. So there! Now, I must go.”
I burst on past and grab the milk and toward the checkout file,
But there’s something ‘bout that basket flaw. I’m back in choc’late aisle!

I stop and stare and they’re still there oozing seductive sweetness.
But I’m in charge, I’ll show them now, as I ignore my lateness.
“Don’t need you. Got you whipped. That’s why I’m here again.”
And as I stare and start to leave, I come up with a plan.
“I’ll buy, take you home. That way, I can show,
I’m the boss, I’ve got you whipped. Won’t eat you. No, No, No!”

“What’s this?” my wife says when I’m home. I tell her not to worry.
I know the ropes. I’m boss ‘round here. That’s why I had no hurry.
I sit and stare to let them know, “You’re conquered. You’re not winnin’.
I stare and think about my strength. I’m not a slave to sinnin’.
Then, to show my strength I know, I make my final plan.
“ I’ll open you and eat just one. You’re underneath my hand.”

The sack is empty. I hate myself, and now I’m feelin’ sick,
And what is worse, my mirror speaks and says I’m lookin’ thick.
The next three trips to get some milk, I don’t go down that aisle.
But on the fourth, what can I say?

— Gayle D. Erwin

Kid’s Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You... Mess It Up.

Better Be Safe Than... Punch A Fifth-Grader.

Strike While The... Bug Is Close.

It’s Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.

Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites.

You Can Lead A Horse To Water But... How?

Don’t Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.

No News Is... Impossible.

A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.

You Can’t Teach An Old Dog New... Math.

If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You’ll... Stink In The Morning.

Love All, Trust... Me.

The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.

An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.

Where There’s Smoke, There’s... Pollution.

Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!

A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.

Two’s Company, Three’s... The Musketeers.

Don’t Put Off Until Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.

Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have To Blow Your Nose.

Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.

If At First You Don’t Succeed... Get New Batteries.

You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.

When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.

Efficiency

A young executive is working late one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 p.m., he sees the Big Boss standing by the shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.

“Do you know how to work this thing?” the older man asks. “My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it.”

“Yes, sir,” says the young executive, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the other man, and feeds it in.

“Now,” says his boss, “I just need the one copy....”

Exit Laughing

A couple of theories have surfaced that merit consideration:

1. When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. If you strap buttered toast to the back of a cat, the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

2. The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater’s rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

The following is from a Wisconsin cheesehead (read that “Packer fan”).

My pastor believes in some silly law that if you can’t get the Packer game by rabbit ears, you don’t need to see it. He even claims that it was a church directive that if you can’t get it with rabbit ears, you don’t need it. I am sure he is mistaken. Please let him know that you are not against satellite TV.

I am not against satellite TV as long as you can pick it up with rabbit ears! — Gayle

The Four Levels of Missionary Dining

Level One: You find a fly in your food and you cannot eat. You dump your plate and start again.

Level Two: You find a fly in your food. You fish the fly out and keep eating.

Level Three: You find a fly in your food. You eat the fly and thank God for the extra protein.

Level Four: You feel cheated if there is no fly in your food. (“That’s my fly! Gimme that fly!”)

Five Ways to Know that You or Your Parents are Missionaries:

1. You can’t answer the question, “Where are you from?”

2. The vast majority of your clothes are hand-me-downs.

3. You speak two languages but can’t spell either.

4. You embarrass yourself by asking what swear words mean.

5. You read National Geographic and recognize someone.

Thanks to Allan Burney of Alberta, Canada

Hard Questions

How can you tell if bag pipes are in tune?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What’s another word for thesaurus?

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Shins are instruments for finding furniture in the dark.

Tech Support: “What does the screen say now?”

Person: “It says, ‘Hit ENTER when ready.’”

Tech Support: “Well?”

Person: “How do I know when it’s ready?”

Mystories Solved

Samson

Usually, Hollywood portrays Samson as being a musclebound womanizer. They are right as far as the womanizer is concerned but not as far as his looks are concerned. If he had looked like Arnold Schwartzenegger, Delilah would not have had to ask where his strength lay. I believe, based on internal evidence in the story, that Samson was short, fat and wore suspenders. Obviously, Delilah would be mystified as to his strength. When Samson erred and let Delilah know that his uncut hair was the source of his strength, he became short, fat, bald and wore suspenders.

Gideon’s Band

Whenever you hear the story of the downsizing of Gideon’s army from 32,000 to 300, that final cut that reduced the army from 10,000 to 300 came at a spring at the base of Mount Tabor. “You know the story,” as Jon Courson would say. They were all told to drink and the ones who got down on all fours and drank like a dog were rejected. Those chosen were the ones who, perhaps on one knee, scooped up the water by hand and lifted it to their mouths.

You have always heard that they were chosen because they were the watchful ones, ready for battle. The internal evidence does not support that conclusion. God was reducing this army to the few who would know that they did not win the battle, the few who were the least likely to claim the glory for the victory. Therefore, the ones who scooped up the water with one hand were those who were too fat or disabled to get on their hands and knees. In fact, they were probably all short, fat, bald and wore suspenders.

Back to Humor

Servant Quarters